It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I'm was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother right after I was born.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

One time I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I knew a girl that was so ugly they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'